Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
