Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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