Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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