anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
