I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Never underestimate the power of titties
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
