Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
