can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's shark week go big or go home
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Randomize
