remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
