Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Randomize
