I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
This toilet bowl is my home.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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