I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I love you.
Bad choice
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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