I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
