We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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