Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
