If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
