I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
