Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
