he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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