I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
