You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
