Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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