Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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