for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
