My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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