i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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