I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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