You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
