i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
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