I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
