pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
