And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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