i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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