Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
