I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
