how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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