It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
