I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
