I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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