just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
