I could have mohawked her pubes.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
