i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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