I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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