Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We just shotgunned beers for America
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
