why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
