So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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