I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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