i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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