I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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