this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He had one of those small greek statue penises
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
