I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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