Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
