All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
