My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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