I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
