I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
